Hard Candy Christmas
by tinkerbell2
Summary: It's just like the song says... (please R&R) (i've re-written chapter 4 please R&R)
1. Ignorance is bliss

I said that I'd had an idea for another Nick story. This is going to be a sad one again! Anyway I hope this piece of writing is more successful than my last few. Please I beg of you R&R it makes my world, which depends on other peoples approval, a much nicer place. It's written a tad oddly, some chapters are third person but some are from Nick's point of view. Sorry if this causes confusion. Chapter one.  
  
  
  
He was lying in the darkness of his bedroom, solitude filling every nook and cranny. His alarm clock disturbed his slumber and he reluctantly reached out from under his warm covers. He groaned once his eyes had focused on the time and threw himself over, trying to ignore the nagging voice inside him saying that it was time to get up for work. He gave up eventually and 10 minutes later he rustled out of bed and made his way to the bathroom.  
  
His tousled hair made him smile, and he rubbed the sleep out of his weary eyes. He let out another discontented yawn as he stripped down and got into the shower. He relished the warmth it provided him on this cold November evening and tried to get his mind into gear for the night shift ahead. He grudgingly stepped out of the shower once he'd finished and scrambled quickly into his bedroom for clothes.  
  
He looked in the mirror and smiled to himself. Yes he'd just made it. He was going to be on time. He rushed over to his kit, shining with the little light from the corner of the room. He mentally did a checklist to see if he'd remembered everything and satisfied with the fact he had, he darted down the stairs. Grabbing his keys off the breakfast bar he dashed to the front door.  
  
Ring ring.  
  
Ring ring.  
  
He sighed and rolled his eyes. He fought the urge to answer it, and reasoned that the machine could pick it up, after all that's what it was there for. He shut the door and locked it whilst listening to the annoyingly high-pitched telephone ring. He moved away from the door and swiftly stepped inside his SUV. He momentarily regretted not picking up the phone, what if it was important? It was probably just his mother again. All she did was phone him to nag him these days. He pushed the thought to the back of his mind and started the ignition.  
  
The radio blasted to life along with the ignition and after a while of annoying pop songs with no real soul to them he found the country radio station. People talked and talked until eventually a familiar chord registered in his head.  
  
"Hey maybe I'll dye my hair Maybe I'll move somewhere Maybe I'll get a car, Maybe I'll drive so far, That I'll lose track,"  
  
He was in two minds whether to switch it off or not. He decided to leave it. It's the memories he hated, not the song itself. He'd listened to it so many times over the years. The tune was absorbed into his thoughts and he regretted leaving it on, for once he'd arrived at work if couldn't stop humming the haunting melody. At least he was on time. Grissom would have a fit if he were late again. It was just that time of the year when he didn't feel like moving. He just wanted to curl up into a tight ball and pretend that it had never happened. Maybe just maybe if he tried hard enough he could turn back time.  
  
Lost in thought, he jumped when Catherine shouted his name down the hallway. He silently geared himself up and pasted a smile onto his face.  
  
"Hi Catherine,"  
  
"Hey Nick, You ok?"  
  
"Yeah why'd you ask?"  
  
"No reason, you look like hell."  
  
Nick smiled. Catherine always had been straight to the point. "You look nice too,"  
  
"No seriously I mean it Nick. You've been . distant lately, what's wrong with you?"  
  
"Nothing!"  
  
"Ok you just proved my point there Nick."  
  
He sighed. H wasn't going to win this argument. It was just a case of damage limitation.  
  
"Nick don't roll your eyes at me,"  
  
"Yes mom,"  
  
"Nick. I'm your friend I know when something's up. We're going for coffee after shift and you can tell me then."  
  
"I'm busy after shift Catherine."  
  
"Fine then. We'll go now."  
  
"We can't."  
  
"Yes we can. I told Grissom we had a few loose ends on the Casey file to finish up." She smiled at him with a look of pure triumph, as he sighed and smiled reluctantly at the red head. Her smiles were infectious no matter how badly he was feeling right now he just couldn't fight it.  
  
She placed her arm into the crook of his own and he turned and said, "The coffee house my lady?"  
  
"Of course kind sir."  
  
The reached the coffee house across the street in minutes and after ordering and finding a comfortable booth away from eavesdroppers Catherine began her interrogation again.  
  
"Come on Nick, I paid for the coffee now it's your turn to provide the subject matter."  
  
He huffed out a small laugh. "I don't know where to start exactly."  
  
"The beginning usually works for me."  
  
"Fine then. My mom she keeps nagging me to go home for Christmas."  
  
"And you don't want to?"  
  
"No,"  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"It's a long story."  
  
"Hence why brought you out."  
  
"I just don't like staying over, it's not home to me anymore. It hasn't been for a long time."  
  
"But why?"  
  
"I don't mind going for the day and then staying at my brothers house it's just."  
  
He fell silent and realisation suddenly hit Catherine. She knew exactly what was wrong with him. He was.  
  
  
  
Ha ha ha I haven't had a cliffhanger in a while. Please for the love of all things sacred R&R because I really like the idea of this story I just need to know if you, the public, do. Feedback, reviews etc all appreciated. Until next time ladies and gentlemen . =) XX 


	2. Going home for christmas

Hardy Candy Christmas Chapter 2.  
  
He was . Scared. He looked lost and forlorn and Catherine could see how the thought of staying over in that house made him look hollow, empty. The sheer possibility seemed to make him unsettled and he couldn't stop himself from fidgeting with the napkin.  
  
She gingerly placed her hand over his and he accepted it letting it rest over his own. "I know this is a stupid question, but surely you must have slept in your bed since . well since."  
  
"Since the rape? Yeah I have but."  
  
"But you didn't get a choice in the matter right?"  
  
He smiled. "No. My parents couldn't see why I needed a different bed. They bought it for me when I was 5. They told me it would last a lifetime. It was a huge bed. Made out of solid pine."  
  
He seemed to daze off into a reverie and Catherine abruptly ended this so that he didn't start thinking about other things.  
  
"But you've still slept in it. So what's the problem now?"  
  
"Honestly, I don't know. It's like returning to a crime scene over and over again. I just can't shake off what happened that night. in that bed. it's just . I can't do it."  
  
He looked down ashamedly into his coffee mug and watched intently as the steam rose steadily up into the air.  
  
"If I was you I wouldn't have slept in it ever again. You're much braver than me."  
  
"I wouldn't call it brave. I never slept. I stayed awake all night... thinking."  
  
"What are you going to do? I mean your parents are kind of going to figure out something's up."  
  
"Why? I haven't stayed over there the past dozen times I've been home. I've always stayed at my brother Michael's house."  
  
"And does he know why you don't stay at home?"  
  
"No. None of my family knows. You're the first person I told about that Catherine. Some things are just better left unsaid and 'Mom, Dad when I was 9 I was raped by the last minute babysitter' sort of comes into that category.'"  
  
"Yeah I suppose. But you never know, maybe you'd feel better if you told them."  
  
"I doubt it. when I told you." he trailed off.  
  
"Yeah carry on."  
  
"Nah. It doesn't matter."  
  
"Yes it does."She said it gently, not wanting to force him.  
  
"Well when I told you I felt so guilty and ." his face screwed up and then loosened to a state of sadness, "Dirty."  
  
"But you didn't need to! I'm your friend I'm always here for you whenever you want to talk."  
  
"I know that Catherine it's just . I thought you might think less of me because of what happened. I'm not the strong ladies man everyone thinks I am."  
  
"And you don't have to be! And hwy would I think any different of you? I know the real Nicky who is the compassionate, sympathetic, funny good time guy. I don't need to know anything else. Whatever happened back then. It wasn't your fault."  
  
"How do you know that?"  
  
Catherine felt her heart sink to the pit of her stomach. 'He still thinks it's his fault,' she thought. She felt like crying for him. And when she looked into his glistening eyes she realised that he'd reverted back to his childhood for a split second thinking of how it could have been so very different. She squeezed his hand gently trying to reassure him, "It couldn't have been your fault and although you don't believe that right now you will with time. It's probably because you've never talked about it that you've made it into your fault."  
  
He shrugged his shoulders lightly, nonchalantly. "Trying to act like it doesn't hurt won't wash with me Nick."  
  
"It works for me. Has done for quite some time now." he looked away as he said the last sentence.  
  
"So you've only told me the problem of going home, usually you don't show that you have a problem, what's so different? And why now?"  
  
"Look I don't want to talk about this anymore." He swung his legs out from underneath the booth's table and stood up swiftly. Catherine joined him in one graceful move. "Come on Nick, let's take a walk."  
  
They'd walked for about 10 minutes in complete silence until Nick was ready to break the deadlock. "It happened."  
  
"What did?"  
  
"The rape. It happened at Christmas time, hence why I hate Christmas. My mom and Dad were out at a Christmas party that's why she was a last minute babysitter because my other babysitter had already been booked." He fell silent once again and instead of uttering words that she knew wouldn't fix a thing she took hold of his hand and squeezed it lightly. He squeezed it back knowing exactly what she was trying to say. It symbolised that everything was going to be ok. but how could she know that? How could she say that when she didn't know what it was like? How could he even contemplate going home for Christmas?  
  
After a long night shift he went home weary and ready to collapse on his bed. The angry red glare of his answering machine stared back at him and he decided he'd better listen to it.  
  
"Hello Nicky Baby, It's mom here. Please reconsider coming home for Christmas because if you don't come to us we'll come to you! We haven't seen you in months now Nicky and phone calls aren't the same. Please ring me back when you get this message. Love as always your mummy."  
  
He smiled at the name references made throughout the phone message. He loved his mom and he hated the fact that he hadn't seen in such a long time. He missed her. He picked up the phone and deciding to ignore the early hour he dialled his home number. The incessant ring on the other end of the phone seemed to last for ages until eventually he heard a familiar high-pitched voice that recited his nickname, "Nicky baby?"  
  
"Hey mom, how'd you know it was me?"  
  
"I gathered you'd only just be getting in from shift. I was hoping it'd be you more than anything else."  
  
"Look, I'm just calling to say that. ummm." He couldn't decide whether he should go or not. The voice on the other end of the phone coaxed him for a reply and eventually he gave one. "Just to say that ummm I'll be home for Christmas."  
  
"Oh Nicky I'm so happy! We haven't seen you in months. We need a few of your smiles around the place. Give me a call closer the time and we can work out dates and stuff. I got to go Nicky I'm in a rush to get out for work. Love you loads though Nicky baby."  
  
"Love you to mummy." He could physically sense his mother smiling on the other end of the phone. It felt good to make her happy.  
  
Putting the cordless phone back onto the table he walked slowly up his stairs. The song had definitely been an omen. This was going to be a 'Hard Candy Christmas.'  
  
Please R&R all feedback and reviews are greatly appreciated. Please tell me if my story sucks. Thank you for taking your time to read this. Until next time ladies and Gentlemen. =) XX PS thanks for the reviews for the first chapter. very encouraging! 


	3. Messages

Hardy Candy Christmas chapter 3.  
  
He lay on his bed pondering about whether or not to get up and get ready for work. He'd slept remarkably well, 9 hours in fact. Nick lay on his bed whilst so many thoughts dashed through his head too quickly to analyse them. He wished he hadn't said he'd go home for Christmas. Too many fears would have to be put aside and after that too many questions would have to be answered. He honestly didn't think he had the courage to go back and sleep in that bed. the bed which had his stolen childhood embedded in it's heavy frame.  
  
The bed where all his childhood dreams and aspirations had disappeared as quickly as they had existed. The place where he discovered how evil and untrustworthy people could be. Where he learnt to be afraid of women.  
  
His cell phone had rung several times and he assumed it was Catherine checking up on him. He let it ring and ring until eventually they gave up. The pure silence in the room was all that he needed and the incessant ringing of his phone irritated him. He stared into the darkness, trying to search for something he'd missed; something that would help him put the pieces back together. But predictably there was nothing. There never had been. You can't just be stripped of your innocence and expect to find it again some day.  
  
That's what she'd done. that woman. she'd stripped him of everything that he'd need to grow up. She'd tarnished what was a happy childhood and made it into something sinister, a secret to be hidden from scrutiny and something he needed to protect himself from in the future. She'd taken everything away that he'd been born with and all that had been taken away on that one night. How could someone be so depraved? So sick as to torture a child who doesn't know it's something that's wrong, to leave them the next morning scrubbing themselves raw in the bath, feeling dirty, ashamed and yet not knowing what had happened to him.  
  
It's a shock when you actually find out what happened. He remembered back to that day when he was 15 when they'd done Sex Ed and the teacher had discussed 'sexual assault' with them. He'd never thought about it as rape before because it didn't happen to men did it? It was just when men forced women into sex. He remembered his teacher's exact words that day. 'Rape is a serious allegation. People are prosecuted for it. And once it happens you must tell the police as soon as it has happened. People should not get away with what they have done.' he went on to explain male rape and how women can force themselves on men.  
  
His blood went cold just thinking about that day. His stomach had churned and he'd felt sick, he'd waited and then when recess came he'd rushed to the toilet to empty the contents of his stomach. He'd felt violated all over again. But what made him feel even more numb was the fact that she could have been doing this to other children by now.  
  
He shook, his body cold from the all to familiar memory. He curled up into the foetal position trying to warm his semi-naked body. He knew deep down it wasn't his fault. It couldn't have been. He hadn't known it was wrong. It was her fault and only hers but that didn't take away the pain of hindsight. The thought that if he'd tried he could have done something, but instead of dwelling on it he unfolded himself from his mass of arms and legs and sat up on his bed hugging his legs to his chest. Reaching over to his bedside table he reached for his cell. It hadn't been Catherine. It was Sara. After registering the missed calls and deleting them, he found he had a text message from her.  
  
"Where R U? Thght we were meetn b4 shift 2 go 4 coffee? TMB"  
  
"Shit." he said to the darkness. He decided that it was best to reply to the message and hope Sara wouldn't be suspicious.  
  
"Soz ovaslept. Maybe anotha time? TMB"  
  
He waited for a reply and was greeted with one within 5 minutes.  
  
"Fine woteva. Wot's anotha let down."  
  
He frowned at the message. He really had let her down. It wasn't a date but they were like best mates. Sometimes she needed to talk and that's when they went to the coffee house. It was like tradition and he'd let her down.  
  
"Come 2 mine. Tlk here." He waited once more for his cell to beep.  
  
"Fine. I'll b there in 5"  
  
He smiled. So easily persuaded. "Better get dressed then I suppose." He said to himself.  
  
Please R&R as all feedback and reviews are not only appreciated but also eagerly awaited! There's all this angst to get out of the way before we can start with the cool Christmas stuff so bare with me! Until next time ladies and gentlemen . =) XX PS thanks for the reviews last time! 


	4. You don't know

Sorry it's taken a while I've been ill! Anyway, Here's another chapter. Hopefully I'll make some headway on this chapter. Chapter 4.  
  
Her knock was overly pronounced, almost to the point of acknowledging her overwhelming presence before he'd even opened the door to her. He rushed to the door fearful the neighbours would hear her despite them being at least 100 yards away in the house next door.  
  
He turned the Yale catch and pressed down on the normal handle to reveal Sara lit only by the faint glimpses of the afternoon light.  
  
She had her arms folded and her right foot was tapping gently on the paving of his front porch.  
  
"Not impressed I gather?" He asked tentatively. Sara was a very tempestuous woman, cross her at your own peril and tonight wasn't the time. "I'm sorry it's just."  
  
"Shut up Nick. It doesn't bother me that I was stood outside the coffee house for half an hour like a complete lemon because you didn't show up. I just don't know what's wrong with you lately. You've been acting distant. Now I classify you as my best friend and tell you when things are bothering me and I hoped this feeling was reciprocal but I'm just not feeling like you want to tell me what's up."  
  
"You're right something is wrong I just . man I don't want to tell anyone."  
  
"Talking helps Nick, you always tell me that."  
  
"Talking won't help this. It's a long running problem. It can never be fixed and never be taken away."  
  
"Whoa, that sounds ominous."  
  
"Yeah well we all have skeletons in our closet." He got up and put space between himself and Sara.  
  
"Nick don't walk away from me."  
  
"Sara you don't know me! You think I'm just a lady-killer or whatever. I'm not. My whole life here in Vegas is a fabricated story that I made to cover up my past. You don't know why I'm here and you don't know who I am or who I was." He turned away from her tears stinging the back of his eyes. He didn't want her to see them. He'd said too much already and he didn't want to go through that again. He didn't want to relive the past.  
  
"No I don't," she started gently, "But you don't know why I'm here either."  
  
"Yes I do. When holly died Grissom called you here."  
  
"No, that's not it."  
  
"Then what is it Sara?" He replied coarsely. He wasn't in the mood for guessing games and couldn't see her eyes glistening behind him, becoming wet with the memories of bygone days.  
  
She looked down in her lap unsure of whether to continue. Deciding its finally time to let go she proceeded.  
  
"My dad used to beat my mom and me. I was still living at home when I was in college and one day when I came in I was covered in bruises. Grissom saw me. We were friends before that day but then is when he really took me under his wing. He helped my mom and me. My dad is now locked up in a state penitentiary and my mom is somewhere in Utah, in a home for the mentally disabled. He beat her so badly that he gave her brain damage. That's why I took the Pamela Adler case so badly. I know what it's like to watch someone you love become vacant." She stopped and took a deep breath to try and relieve the lump that had formed in her throat. Feeling strong enough to carry on she finished off her story. "I was nearly out on the streets after finishing college and that's when Grissom got me here. So no Nick you don't know why I'm here."  
  
The last sentence wasn't meant to sound harsh but she hated people judging her on what they thought they knew. It was never what she was or is now.  
  
Nick had now positioned himself next to Sara on the sofa. "I'm sorry I didn't know,"  
  
"You weren't meant to,"  
  
"I know but I'm the last person who should judge on pasts. I never even thought that you'd been a victim like that. I know you got emotionally involved in a lot of cases but I just thought that was you. you know like me I get mad when I work on cases with children in."  
  
"Yeah I suppose I've always just passed it off as that, I only cope because I know he can't get my mom or me again. I also know that even if he did Grissom would help me because he cares about me."  
  
"I care too you know."  
  
"I know you do it's just I've never told anyone else apart from Grissom so it's hard to talk about."  
  
"But Sara it wasn't your fault, you know that don't you?"  
  
"Yeah I know that. But it wasn't my mom's fault either and he still got her. I just feel like a failed for the both of us. We spent years and years being beat up by that man and yet I never thought it was wrong. Well not until I started high school anyway. You just feel sick to the stomach when you find out."  
  
"Yeah I know what you mean. I've had that exact same feeling in my life," He looked away scared that Sara would see his own eyes starting to sparkle in the dimly lit room. He didn't cry often. And if he did it was only in the privacy of his own home where only the walls and ceilings could see and hear his pain.  
  
"So you going to tell me what's wrong now."  
  
He sighed. He didn't really want to but he decided to keep it brief, just like he had with Catherine. "A last minute babysitter raped me when I was 9 whilst my mom and dad were out at a Christmas party. Mom and Dad want me to go home for Christmas but I don't know if I can handle staying over, you know in the same room as."  
  
"It's alright I know what you mean you don't have to explain. I'm sorry Nick. I never knew you'd had to go through that. No one deserves that."  
  
"Well no one deserves to be beaten up every day but I guess its what makes a person." He smiled as he remembered saying the exact same line to Catherine. She looked so different to how Sara looked. Catherine had nearly cried. She understood. Sara understood but she was more concerned, more anxious to know how she could help.  
  
Instead of saying words, she conveyed them through a big bear hug, which held Nick firmly in her own arms. "What are we going to do eh?" She said the question muffled by Nick's shoulder.  
  
"I don't know," he replied. "At least we both know now."  
  
"Yeah I suppose that's a good thing." She gave him one last squeeze and released him feeling better for the friendly encounter she'd missed from him lately.  
  
She smiled at him and in an attempt to lighten the mood she said, "I'm not exactly looking forward to Christmas alone. Christmas' haven't exactly been great over the years but at least I had people to share it with. Granted they weren't good people but hey beggars can't be choosers."  
  
Nick thought quietly for a second and then replied, "Come home with me for Christmas. Before you say no, think about it. I'm helping you out and you're helping me out. It's an easy deal."  
  
Sara looked at him and asked, "Are you serious?" He nodded and she replied slyly, "When do we leave?"  
  
He smiled and replied, "The day after tomorrow."  
  
"But that's only December 5th?" She looked shocked.  
  
He started laughing. "I know it is I just couldn't resist seeing your face. We really leave on the 16th."  
  
After hitting him playfully on the arm with a cushion she smiled. "The 16th it is."  
  
  
  
Hope that was alright and you enjoyed it. Reviews would be greatly appreciated. This chapter needed to be got out of the way for the more emotional ones to come through. Thank you for previous reviews. Until next time ladies and Gentlemen . ( XX 


	5. Flying home

Hopefully this will be a better chapter than the last one. I didn't really know how to write the last one. Oh to be a talented writer eh? Anyway, I hope that people read and enjoy this one because it's a bit lighter (and I mean only a bit) than the last few. It may be the last one or there could be another one after this I'm not entirely sure. Anyway that's way too much information about me. Chapter 5.  
  
It's amazing how quickly time flies when you're either dreading or looking forward to a specific period of time. The 16th of December rolled swiftly on and the two best friends had packed and boarded their plane to Texas. The topics of conversation had been light, breezy, Sara trying to keep Nick's thoughts off the inevitable for as long as possible. The journey was comfortable enough, that was until the pilot decided it was time for some Christmas cheer. Unfortunately, this consisted of some Christmas country songs and Nick's ears relented when they heard a familiar song. It was typical, typical almost to the point of irony.  
  
"It's just a hard candy Christmas."  
  
Whilst Sara found the country music annoying, she noticed how her companion's emotions had changed several times throughout the song. He'd gone from sadness to serenity and then to something unknown. Something only Nick would know. Something that Sara had a sneaky suspicion linked to his past but she repressed the urge to ask. Private thoughts are just that, private and no one deserves to have them publicised if they do not desire to. Nick was a secretive person, just like she was and she smiled to herself that she'd found a friend who was so like her.  
  
Nick on the other hand had started to think about his home, and in particular his bedroom. The place where so many dreams and aspirations had been stolen or at least hidden. And maybe just maybe they could be recaptured on this trip or was that fantasy just too much to ask for? He was looking forward to seeing his mother and father and having a traditional Christmas with all the family. He could see his new niece, Amy, and he could check on how his Sister's new job was panning out. He missed all this in Vegas. You can pick up the phone and call but it's never the same. You want to be able to drive over to their house and see how they are, not here the counterfeit expressions over the phone used to conceal true feelings. But Nick did not have that luxury. And although he regretted this he liked Vegas. It was far enough away from any past dangers and that was the way Nick liked it.  
  
He was so lost in thought that he didn't notice Sara's attempts at conversation. Even if his subconscious digested the information it didn't let him acknowledge it and somehow he was grateful to be left to his own devices to figure out how he'd cope with Christmas. The song changed to Wham's last Christmas and Nick let go of the grasp he had over the previous track. It was time to let go. Time to move on, and no matter how much he resented this fact he knew it was the right thing to be doing.  
  
Still lost in thought, he didn't hear the pilot announcing that they would be landing in Texas in approximately 10 minutes. It was Sara who brought him round to the fact that he was nearly home. Nearly back where he belonged.  
  
The airport duties went past in a blur, both of the travellers thoughts elsewhere. Sara's with Grissom, spending the holiday with his mother blissfully unaware that She had feelings for him. And he probably would never know. And Nick's thoughts were lost in the extreme parallels of relief and anxiety. Relief he was home and anxiety for the same reason. It was time to face the music, and piling their bags into a Taxi, Nick gave the driver the address and settled into the back seat with his travelling companion.  
  
The journey was short and Sara enjoyed the way that the afternoon winter sunshine flooded in through the taxi window. She was surprised that it hadn't snowed. But hey this was Texas. She smiled at the beautiful scenery around her, wishing she'd been here before. But before she knew it they had arrived outside a charming house just outside the city centre and she was amazed at how the house alone radiated warmth and kindness when she knew it's vicious past. Nick paid the driver and swapped Merry Christmas' and opened his door to manoeuvre himself round to the boot of the car to empty their possessions. Sara joined him and grabbed her bags, smiling as Nick tried to carry them for her. Quickly she grabbed them and followed him up to the huge expanse he called home.  
  
It was huge though by no stretch of the imagination and decked fully from roof to floor with Christmas decorations. They even had decorated and evergreen fir tree with lights. The house was painted a pristine white and if it had snowed you probably wouldn't have been able to see it. The windows down stairs were steamed up, probably due to cooking and the front porch, where they both now stood proudly displayed a 'Welcome to our home at Christmas' mat. Something told her the Stoke's Family didn't due Christmas by halves.  
  
Nick rang the doorbell and turned to face Sara who smiled at him expectantly. To tell the truth neither of them had been this excited for a long time at Christmas and it was good to revert back to feeling like a kid again.  
  
Nick returned his gaze back to the door and a wide grin spread quickly across his face when he saw someone approaching. The door flung open with a satisfied creak to reveal Mrs Stokes. Her face lit up instantaneously upon sight of her son, and she flung her arms around him squeals of delight escaping from her slim frame. Nick's bags had landed on the floor so that he could provide an adequate hug to his mother and as soon as she let him go the introductions began.  
  
"Hey mom. This is Sara. Sara this is mom."  
  
"It's lovely to meet you Sara I've heard lots about you."  
  
"I wouldn't believe all of it!"  
  
"Come on in dear you must be freezing out there!" And she stepped away form the door to welcome the pair into the house. The hallway was a large cream expanse dripping with the contented feeling of taste and decadence. Every nook and cranny was a welcoming committee and Sara felt welcome, almost to the point of contentedness, in her colleague's house.  
  
"Michael! Your sons just arrived!" Mrs Stokes exclamation made Sara physically jump. The elegant woman smiled warmly at Sara and she could see where Nick got part of his looks from.  
  
"Sorry dear didn't mean to make you jump."  
  
"It's alright Mrs Stokes."  
  
"Oh please call me Julia."  
  
Sara smiled again at the lady and marvelled at how she didn't look old enough to be someone's mother. She heard footsteps and looked up at the stairs where she assumed Nick's father would be descending from. It was Nick 20 years from now. The other half of Nick's good looks had just become apparent and Sara smiled to see the father embrace his son in a warm hug. Time showed slightly more on Nick's father than on his mother but he still didn't look a day over 50.  
  
His father released Nick and walked briskly over to where Sara was standing in the hallway, feeling slightly awkward and out of place in this family reunion.  
  
"Sara I presume?" It was a gentle voice, nothing like Sara had expected.  
  
"Yes, I'm pleased to meet you Mr Stokes."  
  
"The pleasure is all mine. And please, it's Michael."  
  
"Well, Michael, I've heard a lot about you. Nick talks about you a lot."  
  
"Nick joined his father in the conversation between Sara and offered the simple reply of, " Well yeah. When's food ready?"  
  
"Excuse my son Sara. He's always hungry."  
  
"Oh yes. Not a day goes by when the lab fridge isn't raided!" Their laughter was welcome in the hallway. Especially Nick's laughter, which was wholehearted enough to fill the vacant years of him not being there.  
  
"Dinner!" Julia's voice rang throughout the house and her high-pitched tone was neither harsh or cold but welcoming and eradicated any earlier awkwardness felt on Sara's part. The bags were left in the hall and they walked through to the even larger dining room. The table was laid out ready for a feast and filled the room with its length.  
  
Dinner passed in a blur, catching up and making new acquaintances being the main topics of conversation. Sara felt like she'd known the family for years and suddenly wished that Nick had had the privilege of sticking around instead of moving to Vegas. But he'd had his reasons just like she had.  
  
After dinner came the real test of character as Sara and Nick both went to their rooms. Nick showed Sara hers first putting off his own until necessary. Sara picking up on his obvious discomfort dropped the bags in the room and motioned for him to lead the way to his own room. He resisted at first but relented knowing how stubborn Sara could be when she chose to be. The corridors were long and narrow all with the matching cream and gold wallpaper. Sara could almost sense the wealth of the family. She had been trailing behind him, taking in everything, absorbing all of the richness and opulent surroundings. However she soon regained her composure and positioned herself at his side, squeezing his hand for moral support.  
  
The door was heavy pine and had 'Nick' engraved into its frame. It also had little markings, which held height markings of how Nick had turned from a boy into a man. He pushed open the door with an anxiousness flooding over him. Nick could almost feel the past demons flying past him in a sudden gust of air. Standing in the doorframe, frozen with recollections of long departed days. Sara nudged him in the back and said, "I'm here Nick, It's ok she can't hurt you anymore."  
  
He dropped the bags just inside the room next to one of the dark blue checked walls. It was almost a Burberry pattern but blue. It was a proper man's room and Sara suddenly felt the masculinity of it flooding her sense.  
  
"Go on Nick you can do it."  
  
He moved closer and closer to the bed and reached out hesitantly to touch it, afraid that it might reach out and grab him back into it. He drew his hand away momentarily before clasping his hand around one of the bedposts. He exhaled noisily the relief of relinquished fear filling the room.  
  
"It's ok Nick, Go on sit down." She motioned her hands as if ushering him to sit down and he slowly lowered himself down onto the bed. Closing his eyes he breathed in deeply as his mouth curled downwards into an unfamiliar frown. Sara sat next to him, not feeling his pain, not feeling the sensation of having those unpleasant memories flood back to him. Slowly she reached over to him and ...........  
  
Hope you enjoyed that. I'm slightly proud of this chapter. It's long and I don't know I'm just proud of it! Please please please R&R as it would really make my Christmas. If I don't write again until then I wish you all a merry Christmas and happy new year and I hope everyone gets what they want form Santa ;) Yours. tinkerbell XXX 


	6. Letting go

The first thing I have to say is Sorry! I know it's after Christmas now and yet this story is lightly before but hopefully I can bring it to an end soon. Thank you for sticking with this story for all of you who have taken the time to review. My appreciation goes out to all of you. Chapter 6.  
  
"It's ok Nick, Go on sit down." She motioned her hands as if ushering him to sit down and he slowly lowered himself down onto the bed. Closing his eyes he breathed in deeply as his mouth curled downwards into an unfamiliar frown. Sara sat next to him, not feeling his pain, not feeling the sensation of having those unpleasant memories flood back to him. Slowly she reached over to him and ...........  
  
He physically jumped. She'd scared him. She hadn't meant to but she had. He moved away from her quickly not seeing her but seeing someone else. Someone who had forged and etched so many memories into the young Texan's head. She clasped hold of his hand and stroked it briefly reminding him who she was. He heaved a sigh of relief once he'd reverted back to the present and not the past.  
  
Before even he realised what he was doing he'd pulled Sara into a huge bear hug. Tears silently escaped down his cheeks and Sara only realised that he was crying by his erratic breathing pattern.  
  
"I'm scared Sara." He said barely audible. She was too. She'd never seen him like this. Maybe this had been a bad idea.  
  
"Don't be I'm here for you." She said trying to calm him down and reassure him.  
  
"Yeah now but you won't be tonight." He still held her tightly afraid to let go, afraid to face up to his room alone.  
  
She released him and looked him dead in the eye. "Don't be scared Nick. She can't hurt you and she never will again. She did when you were little and that was wrong but it's not going to happen again so let go.............."  
  
She trailed off afraid that she might have caused offence. But she hadn't she could see the understanding that had replaced the frightened 9 year old in his eyes.  
  
"How do you let go? How did you do it?" He asked her curiously.  
  
"Well, I realised nothing I could do was going to change the past and constantly rehashing over it isn't going to help either. Letting go of past demons enables you to live your life and get on with it instead of feeling scared."  
  
Taking a deep breath he replied, "Then I guess I should try it."  
  
Smiling at him and running her fingers through his hair she whispered softly to him, "And your parents have a right to know."  
  
"I know they do but I don't want to tell them. Like I've said before some things are just best left unsaid and that is definitely one of them."  
  
"No it's not. You told me. If you can do that then telling your parents will be easier because you know they love you."  
  
"Well yes but I don't want them thinking they have a freak for a son." He looked down afraid to show her what he'd been thinking for years.  
  
"Nick they'd never think that."  
  
"But what if they don't believe me?"  
  
"They will. Trust me."  
  
"Well, I can't tell them now. It'll ruin their Christmas."  
  
"Ok now you're just finding excuses." She poked him in the ribs playfully and smiled at him. "I can either be there for you when you do it or I can make myself scarce. It's up to you."  
  
"I don't know. It depends....... I haven't exactly planned this."  
  
"Yeah I know but hey I'm here for you so don't worry everything will be fine."  
  
"When should I do it?"  
  
"The sooner the better. But when you feel comfortable would probably be best." She was giving advice to him based on past experiences. Experiences that she wished she'd never have to share the grief of but now she did and of all people it was with Nick.  
  
"Well there's no time like the present. You go unpack....... I'm off downstairs."  
  
She hugged him and whispered a good luck in his ear. He didn't know whether he'd need it or not but he decided to accept it. The walk downstairs seemed to take forever, his mind clouded with several ways of telling his parents none of them seeming appropriate. Trying one out for size as he walked down the stairs he said to himself, "Mom, Dad we need to talk."  
  
"What about Nick?"  
  
Damn he hadn't seen his Dad coming out from the living room. His stomach lurched as he realised now was the time.  
  
"Umm hi dad didn't see you there. Umm we really need to talk. Like me mom and you." He was babbling and his father picked up on his obvious discomfort.  
  
"Let's go into the study your mother's in there at the moment." Nick followed closely behind his father, the walk to the study kept in complete silence. Neither party knowing what to say or how to start saying it. Nick tuned out as his father voiced his concerns to his mother and as he settled in a chair a little way away from his parents he suddenly realised how hard this was going to be for all concerned.  
  
"Nick, What's Wrong?"  
  
"Umm I don't know how to put this mom but it's something...... something I've had to hold on to for years. It's kind of serious....."  
  
"I can gather that son, come tell us. It can't be that bad. You haven't been arrested have you?"  
  
Nick let out a small huff of laughter as his mother assumed the worst. He only wished it had been that.  
  
"No, I don't know how to start this ........."  
  
"It's alright son, just take your time."  
  
"Thanks dad. Ok do you remember when I was 9 and you both went out to a Christmas party at the firm?"  
  
He could see both his mother and father straining to remember the exact party. It suddenly twigged and they returned their gaze to their son, urging him to continue.  
  
"Well, umm, I didn't have my normal babysitter that night did I?"  
  
"No you didn't." His mother was looking very concerned now. Her face was twisted into a frown, which didn't suit her gentle features.  
  
"Well, man this is hard to say, she assaulted me."  
  
"What do you mean by that? Did she hit you?" His father asked, afraid to hear the answer to his open question.  
  
"I mean she ........." he stopped momentarily trying to stop the flow of stinging tears he could feel building up behind his eyes. "She raped me."  
  
The sudden gasps made Nick's heart fall and then the following silence made it fall even further. Suddenly he could no longer hold back the tears and he found himself letting them fall not afraid to show how he felt any longer.  
  
"I'm sorry mom I really am .........."  
  
"Don't be sorry son, it wasn't your fault. It was mine. I should have checked her out I should have........" She trailed off finding that she couldn't bare to voice her excuses anymore. What she should have done didn't bring back her child's innocence or get rid of the years of pain that he'd had to deal with on his own. Her tears flowed freely down her cheeks, each one unaware of why it was being shed.  
  
"Why didn't you tell us Nick?" His father had moved over to where his son was sitting and crouched down next to him.  
  
"I was ashamed. I didn't know until I was about 15 that it was wrong. Then when I did I just didn't want you to know. I mean it wasn't heard of back then. It still isn't really now. I didn't want you to think you had a freak for a son."  
  
Michael Stokes scooped his youngest son up into a hug and kissed the top of his head lightly. Suddenly Nick had turned into a frightened little boy again before his eyes and he hated seeing him like this. He'd never even suspected something was wrong.  
  
"What did you do? I mean afterwards.?"  
  
"I just remember waiting for you to come. Scared that she'd come back."  
  
"But when we came back she'd gone and Michael and Jennifer were home."  
  
"Yeah, Michael came to check on me but he never guessed. Neither did Jennifer. She was on a high after her winter prom......" Nick smiled at the look his sister had had when she'd returned home. She'd been so happy. The complete contrast of emotions under one roof was startling.  
  
"Michael knew something was up."  
  
"But how.?"  
  
"When we came home from the party he said you had some bruises that you hadn't had when we'd gone out. He always looked out for you."  
  
"Yeah I know."  
  
"I'm sorry we were never there for you when you needed us and I'm sorry son that you've had to face this alone for so long. You're a lot braver than I could ever be." His father released him from the hug and as the information finally registered he latched onto a certain thought. "Is this why you've never stayed over at Christmas?"  
  
"Yeah. To tell you the truth I wasn't going to come back this year. But sometimes you've just got to learn to let go." Nick smiled briefly at the recollection of his earlier conversation with Sara. With that last statement his mother came over to join in the family hug and the three of them remained like that for what seemed an eternity, each one experiencing conflicting and constricting emotions. Tears were being shed left right and centre, even Nick's Father was crying. But Nick was just relieved that he'd finally told them. He no longer had to hide it from them and he had Sara to thank for helping him to relieve himself of his past. He reminded himself of her earlier words...... "Just let go........"  
  
Hello again! I think this is the final chapter folks! I'm extremely grateful to all who have reviewed your final input would be really appreciated. I'm hopefully going to be starting a new drama one soon and it might be a bit of a shocker. I look forward to hearing from any of you who R&R until next time sweeties =) XXX 


End file.
